13, 14, 15 [November too-thows-and-and-nien.]

I’ve been walking for days.
My mind will not sleep.
My body will not rest.
My determination is ever-long.
I’m going to figure out what it is I’m solving.
There’s a constant dialogue in my head.
I’ve taken a journey to many places in a small space.
Elevators, cradle-sides, dance floors, taxi-cabs, 37th floors, parks and verandas, boardwalks, bedsides, buses, DJ booths, beds 5 cushions high, waterfalls, supermarkets and 4am foreign football games.
All I’ve done is reflect.
Am I walking in circles?
No. I’ve not been here before.
I’ve met new friends.
I’ve mulled over current issues with old friends.
And never the question which is the answer has become clear.
Standing at the river’s edge, I wrote...
“If I cross this body of water, will you promise me you wont try this at home?
I stand here wondering why I just wouldn’t care if I made it to the other side or not.
I know why.
There are women walking past me with paid men holding their umbrellas as they stroll.
They might call that living, but they don’t live.
They simply survive.
I have never ever stopped living.
I never want to be that woman.
Die trying, or die a coward.
I feel like going for a swim. At least I know I’d be doing it for myself.
If I cross this body of water, will you promise me you wont try this at home?”


I am learning.
And for now, that is what I'm best at.