Ache.

My heart fractures further with every trip back in time to reflect on a life since passed.
Anger. Anxiety. Confusion and dismay.
Why did you not love us as I love my own?
I've been damaged beyond repair also but I would never be my child's own detriment. I strive to improve.
You never attempted to strive. You simply gave up. Life was too hard and your children were no concern. You ruined yourself beyond bad health. It was as if you didn't WANT to live.
This time I couldn't save you. And now here I am, questions unanswered, wobbling helplessly on my own two feet in the dark.

I’m sitting at my desk, wondering what you’re thinking right now.

You spoke of fear, that I’m too dependent.

Truth be told, it’s frightened me right from the start, that’s the reason the concept of love petrifies me.

Love is about emotional dependency. All my life, I’ve learnt through unfortunate events of my own, that you can’t depend on anyone else for happiness and love.

Feelings fade, people end sad stories and make new beginnings, for better or for worse.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that because I know where we stand, that I know I won’t call you my own, the fear is pushed aside.

I can love you fully.

And I do.

Even knowing that in the end you’ll break my heart, I understand that this was never your intent and you’d change it if you could. You’re wonderful, even when it hurts.

Every asset to your personality, I’m in love with.

You’re the dream guy, the one in a million, the piece that fits.

And it kills me to know that you’re not a permanent feature in my life, but I love that I can know what it feels like to have what I’ve got now.

It’s such a dream.

The way I feel, the way you drive me wild, the way I get so happy that you love me too... it makes me laugh aloud with happiness.

I really believe you’ve got no idea the extent to which I feel for you.

I’ve never known a love like this.

Love for a child is family love.

I sort of class friends and lovers in the same category, because you choose them, there is no blood bond.

But you... it’s different again. You’re in a class of your own.

I swear, on my life, that I won’t ever forget what we’ve got now.

You are monumental.

Absolutely unforgettable.

I love you.

Bad Translations.

I’ve never hated goodbyes more than I hate saying goodbye to you.

The instant the door closes shut, and I hear you leave the stairs, my heart sinks.

I miss you, and I hate that you have to leave.

I don’t want to be bitter, but for the first time in my life I’ve put my own desires first.

And it doesn’t help.

I love YOU, just you.

How does it feel to lead two lives?

Because leading half a life is making me dizzy.

Remember being young, and getting dizzy was fun?

You, you make me feel alive.

And when this ends, I don’t want to think about how I’ll feel.

I’m sitting here, trying to make sense of this, so you can understand.

Nothing unsaid.

My thoughts are cryptic.

I can’t translate this.

What the hell is the point anyway? Your heart is set and it’s not on me.

Lyrics.  A just fragment of someone else’s meaning.

They capture the speech of my heart.

“And the seas would part and they'd part for you
I'd run anywhere to join you on a path for two and I
I don't wanna contemplate what I might do
And if I lose you I'll find you, I will find you

Stop the clocks I'll walk away
Cos we've got something untamed
If what's beneath falls through
Then I'll fall, but I'll fall with you “

The Clocks – Uthboy.

“Last night I dreamt I held you with me,
Close enough to feel you breathe,
When i awoke I lay here empty,
Caught between the want and need,

Now in the darkness I am only,
Thoughtful hopes and pieces mind,
These dreams are all I've ever wanted,
Found behind the closing eyes,

How long we've been trying to reach you,
We all fall down like this sometimes,
Trying to reach you,
I'm trying,”

Reach – The Butterfly Effect.

“Happiness feels a lot like sorrow 
Let it be, you can't make it come or go 
But you are gone- not for good but for now 
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good 

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard 
Happiness was never mine to hold 
Careful child, light the fuse and get away 
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks 

Happiness damn near destroys you 
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor 
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now 
Happiness has a violent roar “

Happiness – The Fray.

“I dont mind where you come from 
As long as you come to me
But I dont like illusions I cant see
Them clearly
I dont care, no I wouldn't dare 
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I dont mind
I dont care
As long as you're here”

All The Same – The Sick Puppies.

“Well you know I hardly speak.
When I do it's just for you. 
I haven't said a word in weeks
'Cause they've been keeping me from you.

There's a way where there's a will.
You know I got no need for stairs.
Step out on the window sill,
Fall with me into the air. 

So, here we go. 
Hold on tight and don't let go. 
I won't ever let you fall. 
I love the night.
Flying o'er these city lights. 
But I love you most of all. “

A Song For Milly Michaelson – Thrice.

“I feel that when I'm old
I'll look at you and know
The world was beautiful

Then you tell me...
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me

I'm done, there's nothing left to show
I try but can't let it go
Are you happy where you're standing still?
Do you really want the sugar pill?
I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll start
Tonight it feels so hard
As the train approaches Gare Du Nord
As I'm sure your kiss remains employed
Am I only dreaming?”

Polaris – Jimmy Eat World.

“Too much is not enough 
Nobody gave it up 
I’m not the kind 
To lay down and die 

Adrenaline 
keeps me in the game 
Adrenaline 
you don't even feel the pain 
Wilder than your wildest dreams 
When you're going to extremes 
It takes adrenaline 

Adrenaline 
Screaming out your name 
Adrenaline 
you don't even feel the pain 
Wilder than your wildest dreams 
When you're going to extremes “

Adrenaline – Bush.

“What you wanna say, 
Wait until you get home. 
I'm sick of communicating now over the telephone. 
Tell me how you feel, 
For I am lonely too 
Need you to know 
I'm just as cold and numb as you. 

But I could fly away, 
Or I could be no one. 
And you could be the 
Sunshine falling over the mountain

You could come to stay 
Yes you could come right home 
I don't see why I have to 
Live this life all alone. 

I know there is a way to make up for mistakes 
I know what's happening is for a reason.”

What You Want – John Butler Trio.

“And I wonder 
When I sing along with you 
If everything could ever feel this real forever 
If anything could ever be this good again 

The only thing I'll ever ask of you 
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when 
She sang “

Everlong – The Foo Fighters (All time favourite song.)

And finally. The song I saw live that changed a lot of things for me a couple of weeks ago.

“All my bones are dust
And my heart sealed with rust
These hands will always be rough
I know this won't count for much
(two people too damaged too much too late)

I'm not saying she's my last
I'm just saying that she could have been
It doesn't matter how rough these hands get
It doesn't matter 'cause I'm not her man”

Rough Hands – Alexisonfire.

I lay here in my bed, so far from rest. You'll be fast asleep any moment now.
The rain outside has been falling for hours now. It toys with my emotions much like the way a beautiful piece of classical cello brings a tear to my eye. Without explanation or hesitation.
I reflect. Hindsight is the only real 20-20 vision. 
History is just that, and it's out of my hands.
It's too late, far too late, to ask questions of the dead. And the living hold knowledge of no relevance to my inquisitries.
I sat on my back steps today, waiting for the birds to feed. And they'd forgotten me. Months have passed, but I wondered if they'd remember. 
I can't say I blame them, if they left for a year I'd most likely forget them.
I do miss them though. Birds of a feather.
My puppy sleeps between the pillows beside me, safe and secure. He makes a neat little curvy shape when he tucks his feet in and his nose hidden in his lap.
Circles. Life seems to have an excess. I'm overcome with dizziness on occasion. Waiting for the cycle to break, searching an exit on this never ending roundabout.
Direction. My internal tomtom has a flat battery and I'm flying blind. Trying desperately to find a road to get me where I want to go. If only I knew where I wanted to go. I only know where I've been.
My eyes grow heavy. 
It's funny the way I start every piece of writing as if it's to you, when really, it's for me.
I guess, I just want you to want to know me. 
Even my hand written pieces are written to you.
I've never had someone hold such an influence on me.
<3

Broken.

In that moment, I felt emotion involved in this state of affairs in it’s entirety.

It pushed the breath clean from my chest,

The intensity of the instant made my heart race, my face flush, my stomach churn.

I know what this is now.

What I have for him.

This isn’t nothing.

And if in the end, that’s what you choose it to be,

Then I hope you always remember it as a mistake.

This is your call, but if I could let you see what I do, through my eyes,

Maybe you wouldn’t suffer so blindly.

If I could lay your hand across my heart and let you feel as I do,

Maybe you’d run in fear, maybe you’d never leave.

It terrifies me.

Never in my life have I felt so safe and secure,

I’ve not known trust like this,

Ever.

A connection so strong between two fresh friends,

Is unusual, perhaps, serendipitous.

I doubt I’ll ever leave this behind, even if you choose to.

A part of this feeling will always be there,

Like a candle you just can’t dim.

The more I try to put the brakes on this infatuation

The more I realise it’s a futile attempt.

I am falling.

And although I wouldn’t admit it to you,

You’re the one who can catch me.

But maybe it’s me who has to cut the cord, and leave us both in peril.

Because I don’t think you’ve got the strength to save me from this fall.
But I know I don't have the strength at this point to recover either.
Hesitation.
Panic.
Flee.

Tomorrow they scan my brain for tumours and brain disease.
I'm going on my own, because there's nobody left to trust that I'll share my fear with.
Strength? Can't suffocate this fear before it suffocates me.
I don't want to ever leave Orion [motherless]. It's a painful burden to grow through.
In 21 days it'll have been 6 long years since my mum died from cancer.

Yellow.
A happy colour.
The colour I wore to her funeral,
The colour of her favorite roses (as are mine)
A theme for the cancer council,
A song by coldplay,
The colour of her eyes before she died,

I digress,
I avoid the fear, but it still strangles me inside, making it hard to breathe. My hands shake and my eyes, they cry.
What am I REALLY afraid of?
My past strangling my future.
Move on,
It's the past.
But you can't forget what created you.
Sequential tragic events shaped who I am now,
And I'm falling asleep now.

She died childless [Unfinished.]

[This is a piece, with really bad rhythm, from a man's perspective, after his wife has committed suicide because she left it too late to have children. Sad story. But I'm writin' it anyway! VERY VERY rough and incomplete.]



Sitting alone in the same booth of the waffle house where you first laid eyes on me.
I’d say I’ve made a complete revolution,
But this was no act of symmetry.
9 hours, 11 stops, a box and a half of tissues.
I still can’t bring you back to me.

The icy, glacial wind pushed you inside that magical winter’s day,
Outside a homeless man was still convinced the end was nigh,
But the beginning was only just underway.
The same doorbell still rings high.
My whole world is in decay.

A brief hello, a few more waffles and we sat and watched the fast lane,
Everyone had sex, raised children and built houses as the years went along,
But we made love and flushed our babies down the drain.
Just us - reproduction seemed wrong.
I just want to see your face again.